Hello, Beauties !! I miss you all so much and I am sorry for going ghost, but The past two months have been a nightmare for me. I did not have the energy or time to make any blog posts. It has been five weeks since my last update and I know I have a lot to cover so get your tea/coffee and tissues.
You know you never understand how your mom feels until you have children of your own. Since having Tristan I worry about just the little things. I try my hardest not to but it seems as if it comes naturally. Being pregnant the 2nd time around I found myself enjoying it. Little did I know this would all come to an end.
My life changed on October 26th this is the day I was told Caleb had something inside his abdomen. Instantly my body shuts down and the only thing I could do was cry and ask myself “Why me?” In October I had two ultrasounds to make sure it was still there and if it was getting bigger. My husband and I talked about everything and agreed we would not stress about it until they tell us more about his condition.
On November 10th I went in for another ultrasound to check up on everything. That day I was told it was still there and it could be normal, but they do not have a clue. It was the day before a holiday so I had to wait 3 days for my results. I don’t think anyone could imagine the pain I was going through. Not a day went by that I did not cry or think what if it is too late. At this point, I was very scared and knew I may have to travel back to the states to further my care during this pregnancy. I did not want to leave my husband because during this time we are supposed to be there for one another.
I knew this was a serious matter so I passed the news along to my family and friends. I am so thankful for them. Without my husband, family, and friends, I believe I would have gone into a mental breakdown.
November 13th I got a phone call from my doctor and he told me that he believes it is a cyst, but he is not sure. He needs to let a specialist look further into it. Tears fell from my eyes because I knew that my son would need surgery and I would have to leave my home. I felt like the whole world was coming down on me. After the phone call in a split second my life stop. I could hear my heart beating and I could no longer stop my tears from flowing. I just wanted to crawl into my mom’s arms and sleep my life away.
I forgot about everything else and everyone else. I just knew after I talked with my mom and brothers, I would calm down but I didn’t. It took Tristan to come to me and wipe my face and say “Stop crying mommy”. He snapped me back into reality because I was still a mother and a wife. I could not just break down in front of him or let alone shut myself off from the world. My husband and I talked for hours about what we should do and both agreed I would return back to the states until I received a phone call from my doctor. He told me that in two weeks I will travel to another base so I can be seen by a specialist. This was great news for my family, but it did not stop the stress or tears.
That next week we met with our case manager and she gave us all the details about what was going on and also what could be the outcome. We got our dates and for the next two weeks, we prepared our self for the good and bad. During those two weeks, I was numb, but every conversation I had with God made me stronger. I believe the shock of everything was going away because I begin to smile and laugh for no reason. Or maybe that was my way of tricking myself into thinking I was okay.
Everyone told me that God would not put more on me than I can bear, but I felt myself breaking and I did not know how much more I could take. Sleep became a stranger to me. Either I could not sleep because my mind would not stop racing, or the nightmares scared me to the point I did not want to close my eyes. I was counting down the days because I knew it did not matter what news I got. I would know what’s wrong with Caleb and I could begin to take the steps to make everything better.
On November 23rd my family set off for our journey with a positive mind and a worried soul. We spent the whole day traveling and was so tired once we arrived all we could do was sleep. The next day I woke up bright and early because I knew today was the day that determines the rest of my life. No more worrying, crying , or nightmares. I would know what’s wrong with my baby and my family could prepare for this journey.
Walking into the waiting room, I begin to shake and did not know if it was because I was nervous or excited. The moment my name was called the shaking stops and then my heart begins to beat faster. I would tell myself over and over “it’s okay don’t, worry.” Once my nurse entered the room I was so ready to get everything over with. I wanted to skip all of the small talk. After getting comfy and turning off the light my doctor begin my ultrasound. Only a few minutes passed, but to me, it felt like hours.
She looked at me and told me everything looks good. All I could do is smile and look over at my husband. She told me no ultrasound is 100% sure, but from where it is located and how it looks it is normal. Words could not express what I was feeling at that moment. I passed the news along to my family and friends. Then my family and I enjoyed the rest of our mini-vacation After 4 weeks of hell I can now enjoy being pregnant.
Every mother out there who has been through this I am so sorry for this pain you have to bear. It instantly takes over your life because this is your unborn child. You can not just look in the mirror and see inside of your stomach to make sure everything is okay. The doctor can only tell you from experience and their training. You will never know for sure until the day he/she is born. I know it may seem like it is the end of the world, but trust me God is on this journey with you.
On the bright side, Caleb and I are doing fine. I now weigh 125lbs and he is 2lbs. He is a busy body and I do not think he sleeps at all. Tristan was the same way and I just knew Caleb would be my calm child but I guess not ha-ha. I do not have any craving or new symptoms. Once, again I say this pregnancy has been heaven for me. I do not feel pregnant at all until I look in the mirror or try on clothes, but we shall see how the next 12 weeks fold out.